Understanding Life

Today I had the opportunity to attend sacrament meeting for Joe's baby's blessing. The last time I attended sacrament meeting was sometime in the 9th grade. It was a nice, peaceful, spiritual experience today -- especially listening to the hymns. Sitting there listening to the testimonies about God and faith, I was reminded of an entry I had written last winter, and I though that I would share.

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"...I'd never understood how closely things are connected to one another... We human beings are only a part of something very much larger. When we walk along, we may crush a beetle or simply cause a change in the air so that a fly ends up where it might never have gone otherwise. And if we think of the same example but with ourselves in the role of the insect, and the larger universe in the role we've just played, it's perfectly clear that we're affected every day by forces over which we have no more control than the poor beetle has over our gigantic foot as it descends upon it. What are we to do? We must use whatever methods we can to understand the movement of the universe around us and time our actions so that we are not fighting the currents, but moving with them..." (147).

This is one of my favorite excerpts from Memoirs of a Geisha. You know a book is good when it not only paints a mesmerizing story using rich imagery and beautifully-crafted words, but also if those words provoke thought, if those words resonate in your mind for days afterward, and you keep reflecting on that meaning, and start drawing connections between those words and situations in your life. Does a larger force exist to move us along this path that we call life, making events happen for a reason, or do events happen as mere coincidences, and we, as humans, innately form connections between certain events to try and make sense of this world? I know this is a question that can be easily answered by 9 out of 10 Americans who believe in a place called Heaven.

It's interesting how events unfold each day. My expertise is to overanalyze.. think everything to the point of exhaustion. The past few days has been no different. Last night, after watching Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind (which is an absolutely amazing movie that made me cry... I love it, and, like the book that I just finished reading, it also provokes thought and carries meaning on many different levels..), I laid in bed and thought about recent events in my life -- recent conversations that I've had with friends, things that I have watched/read/or heard, and my relationships with people. I found myself in another familiar situation of thinking about the meaning of life... about how we are all connected by the same problems...

So this is going to sound pessimistic, but here it goes anyway... Why do people run away from their problems rather than facing them and trying to work them out? Why must people build a facade rather than letting their true feelings show through? Why must we sometimes act selfishly to pursue our own desires? Why do we act like jerks when we can instead be kind, or at least civil toward each other? Is it because it's easier to do so? Why, why, why??? And what would we be without memories (like Joel Barrish and Clementine in the movie)? I could only imagine what desolate lives we would lead... So many questions, no simple answers...

What exactly is the purpose that we -- all living creatures -- serve on Earth? There are plenty of joys in life. So much to love and too much to experience in a lifetime. However, why must we also suffer through difficulties, whether it be hardships of work or school, poverty, sickness, abuse, addictions, drama/heartache/confusion in relationships (romantic or not), fears, loss, etc? One explanation is, in order to experience and appreciate the joys of life, we must also know what is suffering. A fish wouldn't know what wet was, if there was no dry, right? A world of dichotomies is perhaps a good thing. But if this explanation weren't valid, what explanation would be? I have learned quite a few interpretations during the past semester in a world religions class... Which explanation, then, is it?

By default from the mother country, my parents were/are Buddhist. Upon arrival to the United States as an immigrant in 1980, my dad joined his sponsor in becoming a member of the LDS church. My mom, after meeting my dad, followed. At one point, they stopped attending Sunday services. With conversations that I have had with my parents, I'm certain that they ceased going church because they ceased believing everything that they had learned. My parents never followed the LDS religion strictly, nor do they follow Buddhism strictly after leaving the Church. They do follow something called ancestral worship, which is more like a pagan tradition. It's not worship as you think, but more of an appreciation and remembrance of those who have passed away. We do pray to our ancestor's spirits and ask for their blessings for our family and friends, ask them to look over us in aspects of our lives.... Other than that, there are no real answer to my questions here...

My parents believed that our involvement in religion would keep us out of trouble. My sisters and I attended the LDS church for a good number of years in our youth, and my older sister and I were baptized at a young age. Looking back, I'm not so sure that I fully comprehended the meaning of everything, nor do I remember believing what I learned... When Cindy and I reached high school, we also stopped going to Sunday services...

So did I ever find my answers there? Probably not... If you ask Cindy, she would give a lengthy answer about the purpose of life, all that points to her agnostic beliefs... Wendy? She's too absorbed in the stresses of being an adolescent to think about these matters... at least, from what I can see... Me? I'm still unsure... I guess I'm still searching... Continually thinking... Maybe someday, I will come to an understanding of life, like Nitta Sayuri...

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The End.