My day as a scientologist and why I think Rob Thomas is Sub-par at best

This was taken from my manuscript of an anthropological study of the church of scientology.

One sunday last November:

Me: "Hello"
Dot: "Hello"
Me: "Hello"
Dot: "Hello"
Me: "Hello"
Dot: "Hello"
Me: "Hello"
Dot: "Hello"............continued at naseum 10 times for 3 minutes each time. THE DOT!!! It was in front of me, behind me, above me, below me, in my mind's eye and outside. I was also in all these places. Of course, this was not me, or the mere thought of myself but my spiritual being....Apparently thinking of oneself cannot be taken as just that but has to be an actual entity.

My dot and I were easily bored at the two syllables thrown back and forth at one another and soon became irritable. Our "hello" transformed from mere pleasantry to a gruff and biting greeting. Our voices lowered to baratone levels. My dot would morph into varying shades of red and eventually showed his gleaming jagged teeth which proceeded to bite the very spiritual arm of my spiritual being. I did not feel it but I was steaming and grapped my little spherical friend by his non existant neck and sqeeezed.

Our efforts were futile.....we apologized to one another....YES "sorry" not "hello!" Oooooh, how I longed for another colloquialism. My dot was magenta with excitement, she even began to sparkle. Her jagged teeth were replaced by a full lipped smile.. My spiritual being even changed into something more formal. We asked each other about the weather, one another's health, the state of Iraq and a book we had just recently finished by Victor Frankl indeed!

Peace fell upon me....no more energy being "sludged" about. Now I had to stomp my feet about and begin with the painful "Hello" routine with the gentlement sitting next to me. Like Vicki to Robot, his replies were monotone and every utternace fell from the same plastic smile. I may even say he did not blink.

Repetition......simplicity.....colloquialisms...anectodal accounts of spiritual being encounters. Not even a name, place or date was given to these accounts, yet, this was enough to engage all of these members and to keep them smiling. Much like how Rob Thomas's songs, with there reaccuring themes and blasted repitition keeps the minds of his listeners numb as they sing along to yet another song about his chronic ill health. And he much like Scientology, may be the best phenomenon ever in its class. Why is he so upset anyway, he is married to a super model after all. Opiates... one day, may I be as spiritual and deep as a Scientologistic Rob Thomas.


Author's note: Sorry if I offend any of those Scientologist Rob Thomas Fans, and I know many of you are out there. This work was inspired by Alisa and Rachel, for accompanying me during the Sacred Hello Session, and the shear un-profundity of Rob Thomas. And yes, he was my angry little dot, that merely said "hello."